can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
