sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
