im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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