I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
