I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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