I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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