hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
