im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
