The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
