how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
