At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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