My nipple is on Facebook.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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