cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
