There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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