TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I did not marry a roomba.
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