I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
