Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
