there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dick has a subreddit
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
