she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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