Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
the day after is always just damage control
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
