Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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