running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize