Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
