the day after is always just damage control
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
