i already hear my dad disowning me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Come on in and take your pants off
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