More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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