Swine flu. Run for my life!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
