I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
