I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
