I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
