Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
