I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
