The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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