Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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