Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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