she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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