my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
