I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
