I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Text me some of your sweat
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
