i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
