i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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