I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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