Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
