Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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