good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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