The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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