it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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