I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
