Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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