Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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