Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
