Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
