can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
