Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
