I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
