All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
