life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
