Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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