Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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