You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
