is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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