Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
