No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
